I had a pretty shitty birthday this year. My birthday celebration, on Sunday, was wonderful. I had dinner with about 15 of my friends at Good World -- lots of yummy Swedish food & wine & good conversation. But my actual birthday, which was yesterday, was more on the not-so-great, actually pretty terrible side. I don't really know how it happened. I woke up in kind of a bad mood, & I didn't want to follow thru on any of the plans I had drunkenly made the nite before. I had told a couple of people I would do various things with them, like have lunch or see a movie or get stoned or help them move. But then the day came & I didn't want to do any of those things, & it was my birthday so I just figured I didn't have to. So I spent the day by myself, doing things for myself. The mistake I made was to go see that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I thought it was amazing, very beautiful & touching. But at a certain point in the movie, where Joel & Clementine are in the empty house in Montauk together, I just started crying & I kind of didn't stop until the movie was over. The worst part was that I
never really lost the urge to cry after that, all day long. I kind of walked around by myself for awhile, treating myself to things, not because I wanted to, but because it was my birthday & I felt like I should. I spent about an hour in the Strand, feeling tearful & indecisive over what books to buy. Finally I picked up some Chekov & a little volume called Living Well is the Best Revenge. Then I went over to Virgin & bought a Holly Golightly record. I didn't feel any better now that I owned these things & I still felt sort of sad on the train going back to Brooklyn. I thought I would have some sushi but first I stopped by Sweetwater for a beer. I ended up at the bar next to one of those old men that thinks because he's old & was in Vietnam you're supposed to be interested in every goddamn thing he has to say. He was about seventy & well-dressed in a cable-knit sweater & tweed jacket, with close-cropped white hair & an annoying way of leaning over & winking at me after every few sentences. He found out it was my birthday so he was buying me whiskeys, which was the only reason I didn't leave. I had about three whiskeys with him plus the beer I bought when I came in & I hadn't eaten anything & then I was pretty drunk. So I went over to Bedford & had a bowl of chirashi by myself & that wasn't really making me feel any better either. Then the English guy I've been seeing invited me out for a drink at the Abbey, & I hadn't seen him in awhile so I was suspicious but I went to meet him anyway. I probably had two sips of my drink before I asked him what the deal was & he told me he was seeing someone else & he didn't mean for any of it to happen. Within about one second I just stood up, collected my purse & my sad plastic bag with the record & the books & said
See you later.
I'd been wanting to cry for hours & then I was, crying right outside the Abbey & trying to get away as fast as I could. He chased me out & stopped me; put his arms around me on the street & I sort of sobbed into his jacket for a minute & there were words exchanged but I don't know what they were. I felt awful; I wanted him to leave me alone & I went home. I knew I was being dramatic but I didn't care. He called again when I got home & we spoke for awhile & I calmed down a lot, but still I felt like there was no point in us talking about it anymore & I hung up pretty soon.
So somehow I managed to ruin everything for myself. I probably should have had the dinner on Monday, not Sunday. Then it would have gone down as a great, low-key, special day with lots of friends around me. Instead I spent half the day crying & drinking with people I don't like & spending money I don't really have. On the other hand, I feel like having a bad birthday might mean the rest of the year is going to be good. I don't know why I think that; I guess I just hope so.
As a post-script, none of this should be taken to mean I didn't love Eternal Sunshine. It ruined my day, definitely, but I thought it was amazing. Kate Winslet's hair deserves its very own Oscar, Jim Carrey was perfection & the movie should get a special award for surviving Kirsten Dunst's irritating performance with its integrity firmly intact.
