what is the word

Last nite a friend of mine who hasn't gotten laid in awhile referred to sex as "coitus." Anise & I were witnesses & we burst out laughing. He didn't even use it with its usual companion, "post-". The three of us were sharing a table at Plaid, watching this band Certainly, Sir & I had been telling them a story about my love interest & the awful comment he'd made in his oh-so-polite British accent. We'd just been laying in bed together & we had our arms around each other, when he made the ridiculous insinuation that I might be too thin. I thought this was a profoundly annoying thing to say, for a couple of reasons. For one thing, everybody knows you can never be too thin. For another, if he's hoping that any extra pounds I might pack on as a result of his suggestion would somehow give me big tits & ghetto booty, he is pretty sorely mistaken.
Anyway, that's the story I was indignantly telling when this friend of mine, the guy who needs to get laid, said, "First of all, I would never make negative comments about someone's body right after coitus, & for another ..."
But whatever he was going to drunkenly say next was lost in a sea of giggles & derision from Anise & me.
"COITUS?" I said. "Do you also refer to oral sex as cunnilingus?"
More giggles.
But seriously, "cunnilingus" (ironically, one rarely hears the word used orally) has sort of a sneaky slimy perverted undertone to it that I sort of find sexy. There isn't anything sexy about coitus tho. It's rather like having your eighth grade P.E. teacher, frosty-permed & track-suited, telling you what you already know about the birds & the bees.
Point being that my tongue-tied friend needs a little coitus in his life. Just enough so that the word is banished from his brain & replaced by its more nonchalant, worldlier cousins fucking, screwing & doing it. Any of which I would way rather have than actual coitus (shudder).