what is the word

Here's a little ditty I found in my email outbox. Evil me wrote it last year.

Ode to ____

i will throw knives at your head. i will gouge out your eyeballs and throw them at passing cars. i will rub your broken bones together to set fire to your remains. i will bury you in lederhosen and spit on your grave. i will drug you and heave you into the ocean. i will roll you into a ball, stuff you inside a paper bag, and smash you with a mallet. i will take a blade to your nose.
just kidding. i will not do any of those things. :)
p.s. i will drop you off at an old folks home and i wont come back for you. i will speak to your parents in private. i will steal your mojo. i will give you a splitting headache.