what is the word

I wonder how many true loves a person has. More crucially, I'd like to know how many times a person can have their heart crushed & their hopes dashed before they are finally rendered simply unable to love again. There was an idea in that book Memoirs of a Geisha, the audio version of which accompanied my friend Katie & me a good ways into a road trip from San Francisco to Providence many years ago, that men gain strength & power from the sexual act, but for women, it's as tho every time they make love, it's like another petal falling off a flower, or some such bullshit. Katie & I partied a lot at the time & so we laughed about it, but I remember feeling unsettled. That sort of observation doesn't have the power to hurt me anymore, but it strikes me that there is a limit to how much & how many times you can give of yourself to another person before you start running out, of yourself as it were.
Isn't it a grand miracle, everyone says, to take a chance on love, to trust another person wholly, to trust yourself to them? & if you don't, of course, you'll regret it. It's better to have loved & lost & all of that. But maybe it isn't. Maybe it's better to keep yourself to yourself, & be free. Or maybe it is better to forget all of that & think about shoes instead.