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what is the word

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Tuesday, June 08, 2004

"Somebody at one of these places asked me: 'What do you do? How do you write, create?' You don't, I told them. You don't try. That's very important: not to try, either for Cadillacs, creation or immortality. You wait, and if nothing happens, you wait some more. It's like a bug high on the wall. You wait for it to come to you. When it gets close enough you reach out, slap out and kill it. Or if you like its looks, you make a pet out of it." Charles Bukowski



Today my skirt is too big & my shirt is too small & I'm pretty hungover because after the Bukowski movie we felt like having more than a couple of drinks. I don't know why I wasn't expecting much from the Bukowski movie, but it was fucking fantastic. It was one of the best movie-going experiences I've had in awhile. I'd forgotten how much I loved some of his poetry, & before that I had hardly seen any footage of him. It was amazing to see him buttoned up in a funny old-man shirt, sitting on the couch with a beer or something, crooning "How can you be so meeeeeeaaaan to me?" to his girlfriend Cupcakes. He's really so startlingly ugly & lovely & funny & sad. We were laughing almost the entire time, except for one uncomfortable scene where he kicked his wife away from him on the couch, & when he talked about his childhood, & at the end when he read one of my favorites, the poem about the bluebird, & I got pretty teary. So it goes like this.

bluebird

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.

then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

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but most of all, i heart you. thanks for coming.

now give it to me
cos i just want 2 love u

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