what is the word

The flowers he gave me are dead. Everything is uncertain & falling apart. I played pool last nite with a tall, lanky fellow in glasses with long hair & an Adidas jacket. We were having a slow game, had nearly reached a stalemate. There were a lot of balls on the table but neither of us had any good shots. Suddenly the lanky fellow said, "It's just like The Rime of the Ancient Mariner."
I automatically nodded & laughed, but a second later, after he'd taken his shot, I walked over to him & said, "Exactly how is this like The Rime of the Ancient Mariner?"
& gravely he quoth, "Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink."
It was the only event in a boring nite; men who recite any kind of poetry are charming.
I am still heartbroken, but now I break my own heart, I fuck things up on my own & there is no escaping it, no matter what happens. Everything I hoped for was for us. When he had an eyelash I lifted from his cheek for him to blow I wondered about his wishes & whether they were the same as mine. Must set my face again to the world, the way I set my face against everyone in the bar last nite, daring them to challenge me, winning every game of pool I played, feeling slouchy & fat & odd in my old shirt from Austin & my roommate's belt & the sneakers he bought me. Still winning every game I played, not having any fun but never, never showing it.