what is the word

There's a large gap in my floor in the place where the kitchen descends into the closet before becoming part of the living room. Sometimes I like to leap over it heroically, like it's a pit of snapping alligators, instead of walking thru it or around it. At nite if I'm sort of drunk & want to check on what I'm cooking for a snack, especially, I like to dramatically leap across the gap on my way to the stove.
Last nite we drank many beers & I got forced to watch the Yankees game. I was the hostess. I was intermittently flirting via text message & getting up to get everybody more beers & emptying ashtrays & calling the 2 numbers I had for pot. After a lot of anxious waiting by the phone on our part, it arrived, & we rolled a joint in my slanted & dark apartment & watched the Yankees lose & I couldn't text message so well anymore because the keys were too small so I gave that up. Woke up this morning dry-mouthed, desperately craving an orange for some reason, half-remembering dreams of swimming pools & flights of stairs. Now I'm drinking coffee & trying to get my act together so I can be productive. It's not going so well yet.
About all I've done today is learn this:

Your Boobies' Names Are: Love Muffins

That website has a lot of retarded quizzes where you put your name in & it spits out a random other name, e.g., porn star, boobie name, etc. I was bewildered to see that they offer a "Penis" name & a "Girl Parts" name. Girl Parts???? Since when is the female counterpart of Penis called Girl Parts? People are so fucking stupid! What is wrong with plain old vagina? I personally have a soft spot for cunt, but anything is better than the weird, squeamish, pre-school condescension suggested by Girl Parts. Ew.